The Grieving Process
There is no doubt that pregnancy loss is one of the most difficult things a woman can possibly endure in her life. The most important thing is to not let anyone make you feel like this was not a real loss. It was. You were pregnant. You did have a child growing inside of you and that baby deserves to be grieved over just as you would any other member of your family. A pregnancy loss isn't something that you just need to get over and move on from. You need to take the time for yourself to work through all of your emotions and it isn't going to happen over night. It is okay to cry- in fact, I recommend it! It is okay to be angry, hurt and depressed- someone died- those feelings are normal.
The good news is that there are ways of helping you work through all of those emotions and there will be light at the end of the tunnel- you just might not see it yet. Below I have listed some things that may help you work through your time of grief. Most of all you need to do what helps you- and it may not be listed below, just make sure that whatever you do doesn't lead to more pain for you and your family (such as alcohol, drugs or fleeing the country!). This is about positive healing to come out better and more healthy in the end.
Helpful Ways to Work Through Your Grief
Name Your Baby- Your loss was real and your baby was real- he or she deserves a name. Many parents who have experienced pregnancy loss find it very helpful to name their baby. It is a way of acknowledging their presence in this world, however short, and gives them something to remember them by. Some parents decide on a gender-neutral name and other parents just "know" what the baby's gender was and name him or her accordingly. It is a very personal step but it is one that can help bring you closure.
Bury Your Baby- If you were able to recover the remains of your little one, it can also be very helpful to bury him or her. It can be extremely comforting to always know where their body lies and be able to visit that spot in remembrance of him or her. You can find a spot in some nearby woods or a corner of your back yard- wherever you feel is the most comforting to you. Some parents find it healing to plant a small tree over the burial spot in remembrance of their little one as well. The process of the burial in and of itself can be a healing experience that allows you to say some final words and take one step closer to closure for you and your family.
Find Other Moms- I can't stress enough how important this step is in your healing process. Most people really have no basis to be able to relate to you over the loss of your little one. Many people don't know what to say and don't know how they can be of help to you. Finding other mamas who have experienced a similar loss is incredibly comforting and they are able to be there for you in ways that other people can't. It can also be helpful for one of these mothers to speak with your family and friends so that they can better understand where you are coming from and how they can help you. Look for local support groups, find online forums (MotheringDotCommune is a great one), and just ask around- you may be surprised by just how many mamas will come out of the woodwork when you ask who has had a pregnancy loss as well.
Write it Down- Sometimes we have difficulty speaking how we feel but when we put words down on paper it gives us a freedom to think things through and sort through our thoughts and emotions. Whether it be in a journal, a diary or a blog- just write done your story! Document your healing process- it will do wonders for you!
Get Creative- Even if you are not an artist, doing something creative can be very healing. Whether it be painting, scrapbooking, knitting or even whipping out a box of crayons and going to town (thats what I did), when you just let your emotions lead the way it can be an overwhelming release. Just try it- it can only help.
Do Something Drastic- Chop off all of your hair! Paint your bedroom the color you have always wanted to but never dared to! Learn Italian! Take a Yoga class! Heck- go sky diving! Just do something that you wouldn't normally do! It can be very empowering and healing to feel like you have control over at least one aspect of your life! Don't hold back- what is that you REALLY want to do?
Take Time for You- Do things that make you happy and encourage peace in your life. Take lots of bubble baths. Read a good book. Go out to coffee with a friend. Allow yourself to have things to look forward to, it all helps.
Help Other Women- One of the best ways to deal with our pain is to turn it into a positive and help another mama who is dealing with the same pain. This one may not happen right away, but in time this can be one of the most healing things you can do. Help that mama by cleaning her house, watching her kids, bringing over meals, or just buying her flowers and chocolate. Pamper her and cry with her- you know what she needs. We know we are on the road to true healing when we can stop focusing on ourselves and start helping others.
Rely on Faith- I really can't help but put this one down because without it I don't know how I would have dealt with my pregnancy loss. Even in your darkest times, such as this, you need to know that God loves you and cares for you and He hates to see you hurting. Take comfort in knowing that your baby is in His arms right now and there is no one better, not even us, to raise that baby but Him. Personally I find great peace in knowing that when I get to heaven someday my little Micah will be the one to give me the grand tour.
If you do not have a relationship with Jesus I strongly urge you to e-mail me or ask a friend what He really is all about. God said that woman would be saved through childbearing because it is in our bearing of children that we are truly able to see God for who He is and what He wants to do in our lives.
If you are a Christian I strongly encourage you to participate in Beth Moore's Believing God Bible Study online. It is a beautiful study that will help you understand how to have faith in God no matter where our lives take us.
